Step aside, #FloridaMan – this one’s for the ladies. Anything guys can do, girls can do better. And in the Sunshine State, “anything” includes narcotics, aggravated assault, public nudity and other inventive ways of ending up in handcuffs.
In the era of #MeToo, Florida has evolved with our socially progressive times to become a truly equal opportunity shitshow. Here are ten fearless feminists, Florida-style.
10 Meat the Parents
Sometimes you just really, really want a Bloomin’ Onion.
When the parents of Lake Worth resident Deanna Seltzer, 28, refused to take her to dinner at the Australian-themed Outback Steakhouse chain restaurant, her reaction was to take a page out of Crocodile Dundee’s blade-wielding playbook. After punching her mother in the chest and arms, scratching her dad on his face when he attempted to separate the two, then flipping over and shattering a glass table, Ms. Seltzer grabbed a 12-inch decorative knife and chased her pops around the house.
Ms. Seltzer’s stay-at-home swashbuckling also included overturning recliners and slashing up some furniture. Charged with battery of a person 65 or older and aggravated battery with a deadly weapon, she was released on bail and ordered to steer clear of drugs and alcohol – which, to a Floridian, is like being ordered to avoid shorts and sandals.
The situation begs a number of questions, chief among them being “Why does a 28-year-old need her parents permission to go get an overcooked, overpriced steak?” Another is why Outback Steakhouse – or rather, a lack of it – was this esteemed young lady’s breaking point. It seems like an odd hill to die on – or rather, for your parents to almost die on. Crikey.
9 Losing Her Cool
Floridians are crazy enough WITH household temperature control, let alone without it. So when the husband of Lake City resident Kimberly Dunn tried to take her air conditioner one scorching October day, her response, by Sunshine State standards, was measured: She shot him in the testicles.
According to reports, the former lovebirds were going through a divorce, and Dunn’s husband wanted to sell the AC unit on Facebook, which is something sane people do. Seeking to prevent the Floridian fire sale, Dunn perched herself atop the unit with a handgun and refused to move, which is something else sane people do.
One thing led to another, and Dunn’s hubby ended up bleeding from his babymakers. Luckily the man’s brother was there to drive him to the ER, since he likely had his hands full at that point. He went to the hospital and she to jail, both with some explaining to do.
Questioned by police, Dunn claimed the shooting was accidental, and that she only intended to scare her husband. Let’s all assume she succeeded in this endeavor.
8 Check, Please
Should this site ever develop a list of “Top Ten Headlines Ever,” the gem conjured up by the website of WPLG, a local ABC affiliate in South Florida, will get strong consideration: “Florida Woman Drops Pants, Licks Man, Dances Naked in Waffle House Parking Lot”.
Thirty-eight-year-old Freedom Ryder Zobrist, whose parents either were Civil Rights activists or simply have a great sense of humor, was arrested last year in Pensacola for indecent exposure, disorderly conduct, battery and assault – otherwise known as the Florida superfecta.
According to police, an employee at a Waffle House – think of a 24/7 white trash diner, then multiply it across the southern U.S. – asked Zobrist to leave the restaurant due to her behavior. Predictably, she soon returned and verbally abused the employee, threatening to get a gun and shoot the man in the face, along with the rest of the workers and patrons. Another satisfied Waffle House customer.
Following this frank exchange of ideas, good ol’ Freedom decided to free herself… of her clothes. In the parking lot, she pulled down her pants, exposing herself and dancing around the parking lot. Still sans pants, Zobrist confidently strode up to the Waffle House employee and licked both sides of his face. She capped if off by blocking his vehicle inside the parking lot and dancing naked in front of his car. Jeez honey, get a pole and a stage.
7 The Sunshine State Samaritan
In early April of this year, as the COVID-19 pandemic was beginning to impact her community in the suburbs of St. Augustine, 42-year-old Abril Cestoni decided to look out for her fellow Floridians in her own special way. Amid reports of grocery stores running low on essential items, and with Easter just around the corner, Cestoni thought folks could use a holiday-appropriate pick-me-up.
Never one to seek credit for good deeds, Cestoni kept her contributions anonymous. Collecting scores of hollow plastic Easter eggs, she hatched a plan to provide locals with a COVID care package, Florida style. She went around to several houses in her neighborhood, leaving the cheerfully-colored eggs in the mailboxes.
Inside the eggs were a bevy of quarantine-able goodies: a cracker, powdered drink mix, one square of toilet paper and a crumpled magazine page with a pornographic image on it – all standard-issue Sunshine State staples.
Unfortunately, Cestoni isn’t as stealth as the Easter Bunny. Confronted by police, she admitted to placing the eggs in the mailboxes, explaining that she was “educating people.” She was charged with 11 counts of distributing obscene material, though she claimed to have distributed some 400 eggs.
6 Meals on Wheels (and Meth)
Josseleen Lopez was a bit hungry, so the 20-year-old resident of the Gulf Coast town of Lecanto, Florida decided to patronize her local Wal-Mart. Mini muffins? Check. Cinnamon rolls? Check. Rotisserie chicken with sauce? Check. Sushi? Sure, why not?
Two bottles of cheap wine? Double check. Meth? You bet your sweet Floridan ass, check.
One would imagine that high on an illicit drug user’s priorities list is “don’t get caught doing illicit drugs.” Unfortunately, Ms. Lopez missed that day’s memo, possibly because she was busy doing meth. So after shooting two syringes’ worth into her veins, Ms. Lopez threw discretion to the wind.
First, the assumedly ambulatory young woman chose to forego a traditional pushcart in favor of a motorized scooter cart, zipping around the aisles in a vehicle designed for Florida’s flourishing population of elderly and obese residents. #Murica.
The other thing Ms. Lopez chose to forego was the cash register, instead choosing to consume her meal right there in the grocery section. The jig was up once an employee noticed a half-empty bottle of wine in her cart, then watched as she grabbed a box of sushi from a shelf, ate a piece, then placed the box back on the shelf – otherwise known as a “Floridian buffet.”
5 Under Arrest and In the Mood
Last year, a deputy pulled a couple over near Jacksonville after they cut off a car and nearly caused a collision. Smelling alcohol, the officer placed 35-year-old Megan Mondanaro and 31-year-old Aaron Thomas under arrest for suspicion of drunk driving. Yawn… another ho-hum day in the Sunshine State, right?
Capitalizing on a rare opportunity for a coveted #FloridaMan–#FloridaWoman combo, Mondanaro and Thomas went full Florida by fornicating in the back of the patrol car. Noticing the two had shed their clothes and were engaged in recently arrested amorousness, the deputy opened the car door to intervene, at which point Thomas pulled the ultimate “wham, bam, thank you ma’am” by running – or, more accurately, streaking – stark naked into the night.
After what was likely a highly entertaining ”be on the lookout” police scanner notice , Thomas was arrested and both he and Mondanaro jailed. Charges included resisting with violence, unnatural and lascivious act, exposure of sexual organs, and driving under the influence. No word on whether either cop car copulator got off, lightly or otherwise.
4 She Am Who Am
What if, per Joan Osborne, God was one of us? Just a slob like one of us? Just a stranger on the bu… uh, tricycle?
Collier County denizen Leida Crisostomo, 52, was convinced these holy head-scratchers were far from rhetorical. The Florida woman and God were, she surmised, one and the same.
God apparently had some smiting to do. Hopping on the Florida version of the Pope-mobile – a children’s tricycle – Crisostomo grabbed a handgun and rode around town, pointing it at several lapsed believers as she went. God then went shopping, Florida style: Crisostomo pedaled over to a parked mail truck and insisted that one of the package’s was Heaven-sent. At gunpoint, she offered to cut out the middleman. The parcel was expediently delivered to the deity, who rode off on her tricycle.
Unfortunately for God, the separation of church and state police ended shortly thereafter. A cop car pulled up alongside the Holy Trinity’s tricycle and gave an urgent commandment: drop the gun, now. God complied. The gun ended up being a toy anyway, because God doesn’t need bullets.
Crisostomo revealed to police that she was, in fact, God, then said the voices in her head were telling her to do things. Apparently God talks to herself. Crisostomo was arrested but soon released, and was last seen building an ark with a toy hammer.
3 Bosom Buddies
A mother’s work is never done. And for proud Floridian Jennifer Mulford, neither is a girlfriend’s. Mulford was so dedicated to her high school sweetheart, Brad Leeson, that she quit her job to take their relationship to the next level. The Adult Breastfeeding Relationship level, that is.
Apparently, adult breastfeeding is prevalent enough to have its own acronym, ABR. Mulford had always been fascinated by ABR, but had difficulty finding a suitable partner until she reconnected with Leeson.
“When I read about the bond breastfeeding could create between two people, I was envious,” she said, which considering her home state is only slightly ridiculous. “[Brad and I] both wanted the same thing out of the relationship – a magical bond that only breastfeeding can achieve.”
There was, however, a catch: Jennifer hadn’t had a child for 20 years (she was 16, which in Florida is actually a bit old). The now-grandmotherly-for-Florida 36-year-old wasn’t lactating, so had to “dry feed” and pump her breasts regularly to fool her body into producing milk. Now, the happy dairy-centric couple nurse every two hours – even overnight. “Nights have been a struggle,” Mulford admits, “because Brad sleeps so peacefully. But we manage to cope.”
“Until,” she continues, “he falls asleep latched onto me, which is beautiful.”
Thankfully for those who eat solid food – and wish to keep from vomiting it up in disgust – the couple limits the mammary madness to their home. Mulford doesn’t breastfeed her boyfriend in public, which in Florida is considered common courtesy.
2 You’re Fired, Florida Style
This entry is a pyrotechnic Sunshine State two-for-one. First, hell hath no fury but a #FloridaWoman’s scorn. But unfortunately for one innocent automobile owner, it also has no incompetence like a #FloridaWoman, period.
Carmen Chamblee, 19, had had just about enough of her ex-boyfriend. So she left the Florida version of an angry note on his car: she lit a rag on fire and stuck it in the gas tank, then popped the trunk and set the inside aflame.
The only problem? It wasn’t her boyfriend’s car. “I have no idea who she is,” said Tampa resident and former automobile owner Thomas Jennings, whose Honda Civic met a not-so-civil demise. After performing the Florida version of John Goodman’s car-trashing scene from The Big Lebowski, Chamblee was identified via surveillance video and arrested.
Elsewhere, in Jacksonville, a more successful arson-ette torched a man’s vehicle for the most Florida of reasons: he wouldn’t buy her a McFlurry ice cream from McDonald’s. At around 12:30am one fine evening, Melanie Cross was screaming for ice cream, but to no avail. Deprived of dessert, she took the initiative to snatch the man’s keys, grab a gas can, douse the car and set it ablaze.
The vehicle’s owner, who most assuredly wasn’t Lovin’ It, tried in vain to extinguish the flames. Despite multiple witnesses and surveillance footage, Cross then did what any true #FloridaWoman would do: she hung around to lie to the local news team, claiming the car was her own and had spontaneously combusted.
1 What a Gas
Another candidate for best headline ever is the handiwork of Sarah Jo Longacre: Naked Toothless Woman Huffing Propane Threatens to Blow Up Police.
The 45-year-old Naples resident was minding her own business, sucking gas from a propane tank in her garage with the lights off in the nude, when her obviously overprotective mother called the cops on her. Parents, am I right?
But despite its Floridian glory, the headline didn’t do the situation its full justice. When police arrived, they discovered two things. First, Longacre was the size off… well, an acre. The dainty 300-pounder looked more like a refueling SUV than the typical #FloridaWoman just trying to get high in her garage. Second – surprise of surprises – Longacre was a little tipsy. She reported consuming two liters of alcohol, which is shockingly specific for someone huffing propane from a spigot.
Annoyed at having her privacy so thoroughly violated, Longacre sparked a lighter, held the flame near the nozzle and threatened to end the now-overcrowded party with a bang. Police backed off and decided to get the mother out of the house, then re-approached Longacre. This time, they were able to kick the propane tank away before a fatal Floridian fireworks display.
Escorting the none-too-pleased Longacre off the premises took several emergency workers. She kicked and bit, police said – but it didn’t hurt because, per the headline, she has no teeth. Longacre was hospitalized, arrested and charged with threatening to discharge a destructive device and resisting an officer with violence.